2020 sure turned up the heat.
All the negative in me seemed to boil to the surface.
It’s painful to have weaknesses you’ve been pushing down or ignoring, suddenly.. exposed.
But after months of feeling frustration and fear—
Judgement and despair—
I am humbled to share how God answered our prayers.
He worked mighty miracles that, today, I am a witness of.

In case you needed a reminder,

People are good.
Angels are among us.
Jesus loves us.

The first much needed shift took place in my prayers.
From “help me” to “help me see”.
Help me see the suffering of those around me.
Help me see and appreciate the good and beautiful.
Help me see the opportunities to share what we have.
Help me see the perspective of another.

I remembered a principle God had taught me.
He won’t always change my circumstances..
But He is anxious and eager to change my perspective.

Shortly after this shift—and by no coincidence—
Jackie’s “Christmas for Cancer Families” effort came to our attention.
It was apparent this was the opportunity we were praying for.

The first miracle was the faith of the Augustines.
They would have to be vulnerable in such an intimate way..
Allow complete strangers into their home and hearts.
They didn’t know what the outcome would be..
and extended remarkable trust to our naive little family.
All while their son was sick.
Between chemo treatments and hospital stays,
They were willing to take a leap of faith.
Beautiful.

The second miracle was the volunteers.
As word spread about our project..
The hungry just came.
They came to feast and be filled on the joy that only service brings.
We were shocked that not only did people show up—
They gave their all.
They brought their friends.
They recognized needs and filled in gaps.
They fundraised products and services.
They embraced the long days and late nights.
Then they would leave and thank us for giving them the opportunity.
Remarkable.

The third miracle was the sub contractors.
We brought talent out of retirement..
Young moms and booked professionals.
These people didn’t have time — but they made time.
They didn’t work when it was convenient for them,
But when it was absolutely essential for us to complete this project.
Workdays, nights and weekends included.
They worked on top of each other,
In small spaces and tight timelines.
We gutted and reconstructed an entire house in 10 days.
Incredible.

The behind-the-scenes miracle was the babysitters.
I am a full-time mom and rarely leave my kids—
Almost 4 and 2 years old.
They are accustomed to my attention and focus.
Needless to say, this project was definitely a challenge for us..
And especially difficult for my baby.
Grandparents, aunts, and cousins subbed in and took over.
They kindly dealt with the grumpy, sleep deprived, over-indulged little monsters—
They helped them enjoy a hectic and confusing minute in their lives.
Merciful.

The next miracle was the angels.
They found what was lost.
Opened doors that were closed.
Mended hearts that were broken.
Have you ever wondered how God answers billions of prayers?
Obviously through the living around us..
But I am a witness He also sends his angels.
For me, during this project, it was primarily Riley.
(Jackie’s son who died earlier this year from cancer.)
Although we never met physically,
I felt as though we tag teamed the entire mission.
Phenomenal.

The last miracle is also the first.
Jesus.
As the scriptures say,
“in Christ there should come every good thing” (Moroni 7:22).
He is the reason people are good.
He is the reason angels are sent.
He is the reason life (and cancer) is not the end..
we will all LIVE AGAIN.
Our advocate, brother, Redeemer, healer.
Let us always remember Him.
That He lives and loves us.
The pure love of Christ has the power to fundamentally change us.
To change the world.
Bring His light into the darkness and love your neighbor.
Or a stranger.
The future is bright wherever you carry His light.

If you didn’t see the video of the makeover, you can watch above.

If you would like to be a part of future Uplift Missions you can sign up at https://upliftmission.com/

How do you feel when you wake up each morning?
Like you can’t wait to welcome the new day??
Or does dread give you a good slap as consciousness surfaces?

Dread has prevailed upon me too many mornings the last few months.
(How many days can I really entertain these kids??
With nowhere to go, nothing to do and no one to see?)

I have had to learn the hard way, once again,
that I can’t let circumstances dictate my feelings—
or I’ll waste a whole lot of life in misery.
I have to look beyond circumstance and search for
PRINCIPLE.
Peace. Progression. Perspective.
Meaning. Rest. Connection.
Confidence. Love. Joy.
These are principles I find myself consistently longing for.
When I write them down,
it seems obvious I’m probably not unique in my longings.
Isn’t that what most of us desire?

The great and terrible thing about humanity,
Is that we have the power to invite those principles to work in our lives..
Or the power to deny them and suffer the consequences.

I have had times and seasons where I have become a bystander..
Allowing life to happen to me.
As Uchtdorf says,
“Preferring comfort and ease over growth and progress.”
Being a victim of circumstance rather than an agent of action.

Although that can seem, at first, easy and enticing..
There is no peace, nor progression.
There is a skewed and tainted perspective.
I lack meaning and struggle to find motivation and purpose.
I spin my wheels without satisfaction,
Taking away the thrill and rejuvenation of intentional rest.
Anxiety overwhelms my capacities
And connection becomes improbable,
If not impossible.
I am filled with insecurity and self-loathing—
Crippling my ability to love deeply,
Or experience true joy and fulfillment.

I have also had times and seasons where I have chosen to engage with life.
To “incline [my] heart to God”.
To seek truth.
To develop talents.
To serve.
To welcome new experiences.
To repent.
To live in gratitude.
To work.
To be present in each moment.
To laugh.
To endure hardship with character.
To forgive.
To sing, in essence,
“I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul.”
(Invictus, William Ernest Henley)

Have you felt the thrill of living in principle?

My first year of college was a season I chose to do so.
Untapped potential ached in me,
I regretted letting fear hold me back from thriving.
So I made up my mind to evolve.
To embrace the impressions that came.
As a result, I signed up for a Singing 101 class.

I thought it would be like choir—
Where we are given some sheet music and rehearse as a group.
I discovered during my first class that it was more of a soloist endeavor..
Which seemed unconcerning to the 20 or so other students.
I quickly realized this was because they were all, at least, average singers.
I, however, was practically tone deaf.

Our first assignment was to choose a hymn that we would perform a cappella.
I probably practiced that song 1,000 times.
I realized that, if I could just hit the first note,
I could stay (for the most part) on pitch for the rest of the song.
But if I began a little flat or sharp,
It was impossible for my untrained ear to recover.

As I walked up to face my first performance,
I panicked.
Projecting my imminent doom in my mind..
I can’t do this. I’m going to fail.
The first note wasn’t just flat—
But so horrendously off that it shocked me the moment it left my mouth.
From then on, I wished I could crawl under a rock and die.
Sweat started from every pore.
My voice cracking and shrieking as I fumbled through verse after verse.
My body shaking like an old washing machine.
All the while, involuntary tears streaming down both cheeks.
It felt like the same humiliation experienced in every naked nightmare.

I thought about never going back.
Taking the failing grade and hoping I never saw any of those faces again.
But after it was all over,
And I realized I was still alive..
Something strange and new overtook me,
And I decided, I had never felt so alive!
Despite the horror, the adrenaline and humiliation was also..
Thrilling.
I did something hard.
Something I never imagined I’d do,
but always wished I would.
And the greatest truth of it all—
I could only go UP from there.

I showed up.
Again and again.
I tried.
Again and again.
I embarrassed myself.
Again and again..
But progress, however microscopic, did happen.

For our final performance of the year,
I chose the song, “I Won’t Give Up” by Jason Mraz.
It seemed fitting, an anthem to my efforts.
I didn’t invite any of my family or friends like the rest of the class..
But I got on that stage and owned my performance.
I’m sure that it was pitchy and less than mediocre.
But I felt like a champion!
My entire class jumped to their feet and gave me a standing ovation..
Not because of any skill,
just because of the growth, confidence, and effort.
They supported me through my struggle and cheered me on.
I couldn’t suppress the joy of that moment.
I floated off the stage with a wide smile on my face.

It has become one of my most most cherished memories.
I learned then, and countless times since then,
it is always worth pursuing my impressions.
The inclinations we have to develop ourselves and help others..
are DIVINE.
They are the reason we exist.
We are that we might have joy, (2 Nephi 2:25)
that we might become as God is.
This thrilling, ascending journey is discipleship.
The richest journey life can offer.
A journey in principle.

What have you put off, quit, ignored or avoided because of fear?

“If you hesitate in this adventure because you doubt your ability, remember that discipleship is not about doing things perfectly; it’s about doing things intentionally. It is your choices that show what you truly are, far more than your abilities.” -Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Are you everything you could be?
What is holding you back?

Two scriptures about the Savior have struck me lately—
I sense that if I could just believe and embrace these principles,
my life would change significantly
I could become a “new creature” (2 Cor. 5:17)
filled with all the longings of my heart.

“I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.” (John 10:10)

The divinity within us longs for the abundant life Christ offers.
Our spirit knows all that we could be,
Just as Christ and our Heavenly Parents know.
They are all inviting us on the journey of discipleship..
Because that is where abundance is found.
And the beauty is, it is available to all of us, all the time.
No matter our pain, sins, weaknesses or regrets.
We have the power to live in principle, because of Jesus Christ.
Because of His atonement.

“He is the light and the life of the world; yea, a light that is endless, that can never be darkened; yea, and also a life which is endless, that there can be no more death.” (Mosiah 16:9)

I love this depiction of the Savior!
A light and life that is endless..
The word endless implies so much.
Obviously, His eternal nature and glory.
But also, with an endless supply of light and life..
He has SO MUCH he can offer EVERY ONE OF US.
Christ is a resource that can’t be exhausted or expired.
Isn’t it remarkable that we all have access to
perfect love,
unfathomable light,
eternal life?

Why aren’t we using this great atoning gift more fully and intentionally?

Maybe we doubt.
Maybe we’re afraid.
Maybe we don’t believe that power could really apply to us.
Maybe we don’t want to let go of sin.
Maybe we lack the desire.
Maybe we prefer comfort and ease.
Maybe we don’t know how.

Whatever holds you back,
know that it can be overcome with the help of the Master.
“[We] can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth [us].” (Philippians 4:13)
Discipleship is worth every effort.
Your abundant life, “Your Great Adventure”, is calling.

I invite you to accept Uchtdorf’s invitation.
“Incline Your Hearts to God”
Pray, seek, study..
Answers will come through the words of prophets,
ancient and modern
and through the Holy Ghost.
You will know where to begin and how to move forward.

His promise,
“Along the way you will discover yourself.
You will discover meaning.
You will discover God.
You will discover the most adventurous and glorious journey of your life.”

This was a lesson I wrote for my church Sisters,
based off of the following talk “Your Great Adventure”
by Dieter F. Uchtdorf.
You can read it by following the link below.

https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/general-conference/2019/10/media/6092703651001?lang=eng

Having my second baby has brought motherhood to a new level of intensity.
Higher highs and lower lows.
Our days consist of constant feeding, changing, nursing, dressing, playing, sleeping, crying, burping, persuading, cooking, praying, cleaning..
On the days that I have eyes to see the beauty around me,
There’s so much joy.
But I can’t always see clearly.
Those are the times I feel stuck on low.

Last week was one of those times.
Partly because we tried to add potty training to our hectic, yet monotonous, schedule.
It was going pretty well until, of course, Kira decided she didn’t “like” the potty anymore.
An abrupt digression resulted.
I bought some Cadbury eggs to sit as temptation on the counter..
An open reward to the willing potty go-er.

She was ultimately unfazed.
The eggs just became mom’s treat.
A small reward between my newborn’s countless dirty diapers and Kira’s consistent accidents.
After 3 days of very little success and very large loads of laundry..
I was exhausted, chocolate sick, stir crazy—
and starting to believe motherhood was a pretty poopy job.

My husband, sensing my distress, told me to take a break and go to the temple.
As I was drove there,
I vented to the Man upstairs about how tired I was.
About how I felt like I was drowning.
About how sometimes the days seemed too hard and too long..
Especially when my newborn filled nights weren’t even my own.
Then how guilty I felt that sometimes I was admittedly sad and frustrated.
Wishing time away..
When this motherhood thing was exactly what I’d always hoped and prayed for.

The worst part of my episode was that, deep down,
I knew that I was actually the problem.
That there was nothing wrong with my life, my circumstances, or my children.
My negative feelings were simply proof of my raw, flawed nature.
My inability to see clearly.
My dire need to change.
I knew that if I was just more selfless, patient, grateful, inspired..
I would be fulfilled in my journey.
Even, and especially, in the “poopy” now.

I had a decision to make.
Was I going to face my deep rooted flaws and take ownership of my negative feelings?
Or was I going to continue to play the victim?
The overworked, under appreciated, often-failing mother.

I’m trying to own my faults.

It hurts because I have to admit what to God what’s wrong with me.
And even worse..
That I ultimately lack the strength, and sometimes even the desire, to change.

I entered the temple feeling a little hopeless—
But as I started to serve, I was reminded of the covenants that I’ve made with my Father in Heaven.
That my promises to Him actually bind me to His perfect Son.
Although I’m weak and selfish,
I have been gifted power through Christ to become more.
More like Him.
And with Him, I cannot fail.

Parenthood is the Lord’s work.
A part of it anyway..
Losing our lives in His work will bring LIFE.

“For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it.” -John 16:25

It doesn’t happen all at once.
But piece by piece we see..
As piece by piece we change.
I catch glimpses of eternity when I repent,
And allow Christ to teach me how to be more heavenly.
Repentance brings heaven home.

Loving and trusting myself are two things that I constantly struggle to do as a mother.
It’s easy for me to go to bed feeling like a failure.
I recount all that happened in terms of moods, sharing, nutrition, naps…
And all my efforts seem horribly inadequate.
I question if I’m disciplining right…
Too much? Not enough?
Are my expectations too high? Too low?
Was I too distracted? Or too indulgent?

Unfortunately, the answer that usually comes is a disheartened…
“I don’t even know.”
Followed by…
“I’m probably ruining my child.”
“I’m the worst… why did I think I could do this.”

I’m due with my second baby in just a few short weeks,
And this year, I can’t help but think about Mary.
Was she ever afraid?
Overwhelmed?
Unsure and insecure because of her own inadequacies?

I feel an immense weight to raise well the children God has given me.
What could she have felt raising His literal Son?
That perfect, most influential and essential Son…

My friend Tanner Townsend just released a song called “Love Yourself.”
I love the lyrics.
They describe so simply what I’ve found best reassures and sustains me…
And what I assume gave Mary the strength and courage to fulfill her remarkable role as the Mother of Christ.

Prayer.
Prayer invites the spirit into our lives…
And as we hear that “still small voice” we begin to know that God is near—
That we are infinitely precious to Him and His perfect Son.
That although we may not know how to do and be all that we feel called to in life…
He loves, trusts and believes in us,
So maybe it’s time for us to start doing the same.

I’m slowly coming to know that my flaws are forgivable.
My mistakes make me teachable.
And God’s trust in me proves me capable.

Prayer has brought heightened vision and hope for the mother I am and can be.

We live in a culture that sells sex, self-absorption and vanity;
That believes a woman’s worth is based on her beauty and body.
Society also tells us that “beautiful” has been distinctly defined as one specific look.
So we pay insane amounts of money to fill, tuck, pluck and shape…
Invest ridiculous hours at the gym,
Obsess over portions, diets, fashion and fads,
All to look EXACTLY THE SAME as everyone else.
Is that psychotic or what?

“What is most personal is most universal.” -Carl R. Rogers
I’ve experienced a hard and humbling change over the past year..
Which I had no intention of writing about.
But if it’s possible for someone to learn something from my mistakes,
I decided it’s worth being vulnerable.

Before you were born, or even growing in my belly,
I had so many fears.
Some of my worries were for me,
And some were for you.
Surprisingly, many of those fears revolved around bodies.

There are two kinds of body fears..
The helpful kind,
And the ugly kind.
I had both.

The moment I knew you were living inside me,
My helpful worries felt like this—
Am I getting enough water today?
My muscles need to be worked out so they can be strong..
Did I take my vitamins?
What can I eat that will give me energy?
I need good sleep so my mind is active and awake..
Am I doing too much and causing my body stress?
What can I do to avoid getting sick?
What should I not eat or do to make sure my baby is safe?
I need to prepare myself and my home for her arrival..

My ugly worries felt like this—
What will I look like after I’m finished with pregnancy?
I am getting so fat.
Will my stomach ever recover?
WHY THE ACNE??
What if my baby dies? Or has severe health problems?
I don’t know if I can handle her getting sick..
Will I ever be attractive again?
There’s so much that can go wrong with a child..
How will I protect her from every harm?
Ohhhhhhhhhhh no. Stretch marks.
Don’t post any pictures of my swollen self.

Helpful worries make us strong, healthy and prepared.
Ugly worries make us weak, insecure and self-consumed.

I wish that you would never have ugly worries about bodies, your own or anyone else’s.
I never want you to obsess over your size or shape,
Or hate anything about what you are.
I never want stress to overwhelm or debilitate you,
When there are parts of being human,
(like sickness and death)
That we just can’t control.
I have lived far too much of my life with the ugly worries.
I am trying so much to change.
To see myself differently..
To trust that hoping and preparing is better than
doubting and obsessing.
I am trying to change for you.
So that you could somehow avoid all the ugly..
But I know that despite my desire to protect you,
You will have times when you feel it too.

When you do, my beautiful daughter,
Please remember this—

The most shocking thing to me about pregnancy,
Was the fact that your growth and development was unconscious for me.
I just had to be healthy myself and take care of my own needs..
But you were built piece by piece IN MY BODY..
Without any thought from me.
While I slept, while I studied, while I played..
You developed a heart that beats,
A mind that thinks,
Arms and legs that work and move,
Eyes that see,
A mouth that tastes and talks..
Isn’t it just fantastic??
A complete miracle.
Your body was created inside of mine..
And you know what?
I will love my body forever for giving me the thing I love most in life..
YOU.

And my oh my..
Your body!!
As I watched you this first year of life..
You changed EVERY DAY right before my eyes.
Your growth and development fills me with awe and wonder.
At birth, you could only cry, suck and poop with that tiny, helpless frame.
Now you can run, laugh, play, smooch, imagine..
It’s amazing how quickly your body adapts and changes.
What a beautiful and wonderful tool!!

Between God and myself,
There was a lot of sacrifice that went into giving you your body.
It is truly a blessing and a gift.
Helpful worries will allow you to treat it as such..
Ugly ones won’t.
I hope that you will see your body with all the awe and wonder that I do..
And learn to love every part of you,
Not because of how you look, but because of what you can do.
I hope you will care for yourself to prepare for the future..
But let go of the fears that bodies break down, age and die..
Because Christ made sure that we would all be made alive again.

I promise I wouldn’t ask you to do these things if I wasn’t also asking them of myself.
I hope by the time you read this letter,
You know your mother as a strong, confident, healthy and hopeful woman..
Who loves and reveres her own body,
With all the awe, sanctity and respect it deserves.

I LOVE YOU.

-Mom